Crouching tiger hidden...monkey | The Sun |News:

THIS Chinese monkey trainer was floored when a group of his apprentices turned on him in a vicious revenge attack. Entertainer Lo Wung, 42, taught the group of monkeys some basic taekwondo moves to entertain shopping centre crowds.

But when Wung took a tumble one of his pack turned and decked him with a kung-fu kick to the head. The turncoat gang then swarmed all over their master — with one even grabbing his stick and cracking him over the head with it.

I want - no, I need - a troop of monkeys that will do this. Preferably not to me, however.

(And the photos are hilarious).

It was clearly an honest mistake - have you seen the photo?

Anyone who goes out looking that much like a zombie is going to get brained by someone. 

Animal transplants imminent:

AUSTRALIA has lifted its five-year ban on the transplantation of animal cells and organs into humans, allowing hospitals to use pig cells to treat diabetes, Parkinson's disease and strokes within months.  The National Health and Medical Research Council made its decision despite pleas from animal rights activists and transplant specialists that the procedure had not been proven safe and could result in the creation of deadly viruses.

If God hadn't wanted us to mix human and pig genes, he wouldn't have given us the National Party as proof of concept.

Australian funeral home launches webcast service | News.com.au:

THE internet has touched virtually every aspect of our daily lives. Now the worldwide web has extended its reach into the afterlife as well. In an Australian first, funeral director Tobin Brothers yesterday launched a new service offering families the option of webcasting their loved one's funeral.

The only way mine is getting webcast is if it's allowed to involve explosives.

Six injured in South Korean explosion | International | Reuters:

SEOUL (Reuters) - South Korea's Defense Ministry on Thursday said six people were injured, three seriously, in a blast at an explosives test site north of the capital ... "At 1140 (0240 GMT) in the morning, there was an explosion during an explosives test," an official told Reuters.

Yes, but was the test a success?

BBC News - Device spells doom for superbugs:

Researchers have demonstrated a prototype device that can rid hands, feet, or even underarms of bacteria, including the hospital superbug MRSA. The device works by creating something called a plasma, which produces a cocktail of chemicals in air that kill bacteria but are harmless to skin. A related approach could see the use of plasmas to speed the healing of wounds.

Because the future isn't all about jetpacks and flying cars.

BBC News - Sweden woman's 'murder' committed by elk not husband:

A Swedish man who was arrested on suspicion of murdering his wife has been cleared, after police decided she was probably killed by an elk. Ingemar Westlund, aged 68, found the dead body of his wife Agneta, 63, by a lake close to the village of Loftahammer in September 2008. He was immediately arrested and held in police custody for 10 days. Now the case has been dropped after forensic analysis found elk hair and saliva on his wife's clothes.

I'm now morbidly curious as to what the hell kind of weapon the police thought Westlund must have used to commit the murder ("Victim was beaten to death with a blunt instrument; to wit, one moose") and where they thought he was hiding it.

Mr Westlund told Expressen newspaper: "My family and I have been dragged through a nightmare." His wife had last been seen taking the family dog out for a walk in the forest. When she failed to return her husband went out to look for her. Although the murder investigation was dropped five months ago, details have only just emerged and the police plan to hold a news conference next week to explain what happened.

Oh, please god, let there be some reporting on this. I'm dying to know more.

The European elk, or moose, is usually considered to be shy and will normally run away from humans. But Swedish Radio International says the animals can become aggressive after eating fermented fallen apples in gardens.

Moose = angry drunk. Check.

Free silver penis implants for all Cubans | The Courier-Mail:

CUBA'S government has offered its first free penis implants, part of a program set to be expanded across the communist island, an official newspaper reported.
It is likely not what Karl Marx had in mind when he imagined a society transformed "from each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs'', but Juventud Rebelde reported the silicon and silver penis implants were set to become more common.

A twist in the culture wars that I doubt even Nick "the Fruit Loop" Minchin saw coming...

Via ishtar_artemis:

BBC NEWS | Technology | Worm attack bites at Apple iPhone:

Worm attack bites at Apple iPhone
Ikee infected phone
The worm changes the wallpaper of the phone

The first worm to infect the Apple iPhone has been discovered spreading "in the wild" in Australia.

The self-propagating program changes the phone's wallpaper to a picture of 80s singer Rick Astley with the message "ikee is never going to give you up".

Probably one of the funniest things I've read all year.

Former Democrat standing for The Greens | The Courier-Mail:

Former Queensland Democrat senator Andrew Bartlett will stand for The Greens for the seat of Brisbane at the next federal election.

Mr Bartlett's candidacy will be announced by Greens leader Bob Brown today.

Oh. That's ... I'm not sure what that is. Surprising? On the one hand, it would be good to see Bartlett returning to federal politics, but on the other ... the Greens? One of the Democrats' (and Bartlett's) strengths was a willingness to look at issues from a broad perspective and deal with what was achievable. That's not a trait one normally associates with the Greens, who have a tendency to exploit the fact they'll never be in a position where they have to implement some of their policies.

Study finds bad moods increase awareness, memory | The Australian:

Bad moods can actually be good for you, with an Australian study finding that being sad make people less gullible, improves their ability to judge others and also boosts memory.

The study, authored by psychology professor Joseph Forgas at the University of New South Wales, showed that people in a negative mood were more critical of, and paid more attention to, their surroundings than happier people, who were more likely to believe anything they were told.

Let's hope this never catches on in management circles.

Dig dirt, Turnbull office urges | The Australian:

MALCOLM Turnbull's office has been been advising Coalition press secretaries to demonise special interest groups and attack public servants as fat cats. A leaked email from the Opposition Leader's office, obtained yesterday by The Australian, also urged press secretaries to feed the perception that politicians were like pigs with their "snouts in the trough".

Another Coalition own-goal. Really, what were they thinking putting this in an email? And speaking of own-goals...

Earlier yesterday the opposition attempted to attack the government by revealing that the Department of Veterans Affairs had spent $1.3 million on an executive training retreat and $10,000 subsidising a departmental sports day. But the attack backfired when Veterans Affairs Minister Alan Griffin revealed that the Howard government spent at least three times more on the events when it was in office.

I'm starting to wonder whether Turnbull won't become the first Australian political figure to go seriously postal one day soon. Or simply have his head literally explode one day when he gets up and opens the paper.

Skies near Boulia teeming wth budgies | The Courier-Mail:

SKIES around the far west Queensland town of Boulia are teeming with budgerigars.

This year's floods along river systems such as the Diamantina and Georgina sparked prolific breeding by the budgies which have been feasting on an abundance of grass seeds.

"I have been here since 1983 and never seen anything like it," Boulia grazier Ann Britton said. "The skies are thick with budgies – how they do not collide with each other is a miracle in itself."

The Plague of Budgies: one of many early elements of the Bible quietly excised during later revisions.

BBC NEWS | Asia-Pacific | Russian circus bear kills manager:

An ice-skating bear with a touring Russian circus has killed a circus manager and seriously injured a trainer in the Kyrgyz capital, Bishkek.

"I know! Let's take a large carnivore out of its natural environment, stick it on ice skates and force it to perform! What could go wrong with that?"

Kyrgyz officials said the bear turned on the manager, 25-year-old Dmitry Potapov, during a rehearsal.

Work Choices, Russian-style.

The bear, who had skates on at the time, severely mauled another circus worker who tried to rescue the manager.

Now I can't shake the mental image of ice-skating bears indulging in some strange mix of Death Race and Rollerball...  LIke Carmageddon, only with bears and on ice. Let's see Disney take that on tour.

Uh, where was I? Oh yeah...

Bears on ice are common in Russian circuses. Some are equipped with helmets and sticks and trained to play hockey.

Because primates shouldn't have a monopoly on violent sports.

BBC NEWS | Europe | Swedes divided over bunny biofuel:

Residents in Stockholm are divided over reports that rabbits are being used to make biofuel.  The bodies of thousands of rabbits are fuelling a heating plant in central Sweden, local newspapers say.

Umm... I'm not sure what to say to that. Hot Cross Buns, anyone?

'Evil powers created half-man, half-goat creature' | Weird True Freaky | News.com.au:

An African village is reportedly shellshocked after the birth of a bizarre faun-like creature said to have the combined features of a man and a goat.

Apparently this was their first exposure to photos of Barnaby Joyce.

I just looked at News.com and quick succession stumbled across this:

DNA test shows Hitler skull is that of a woman | World News | News.com.au

this:

Prisoners being used as cut price telemarketers | National News | News.com.au

and this:

The rise of sex robots and pleasure machines | News | News.com.au

I feel like I've just wandered into an issue of Transmetropolitan.

BBC NEWS | UK | England | Staffordshire | Huge Anglo-Saxon gold hoard found:

The UK's largest haul of Anglo-Saxon treasure has been discovered buried in a field in Staffordshire. Experts say the collection of 1,500 gold and silver pieces, which may date to the 7th Century, is unparalleled in size and worth "a seven-figure sum".

It has been declared treasure by South Staffordshire coroner Andrew Haigh, meaning it belongs to the Crown. Terry Herbert, who found it on farmland using a metal detector, said it "was what metal detectorists dream of".

It could take more than a year for it to be valued. The Staffordshire hoard contains about 5kg of gold and 2.5kg of silver, making it far bigger than the Sutton Hoo discovery in 1939 when 1.5kg of Anglo-Saxon gold was found near Woodbridge in Suffolk.

Leslie Webster, former keeper at the British Museum's Department of Prehistory and Europe, said: "This is going to alter our perceptions of Anglo-Saxon England as radically, if not more so, as the Sutton Hoo discoveries.

"(It is) absolutely the equivalent of finding a new Lindisfarne Gospels or Book of Kells."

Yarrr!

Appeal judges say bashed child molester should not be jailed | The Courier-Mail:

A court has said a judge was right not to jail a man who sexually assaulted a 10-year-old boy because the victim's father bashed him in revenge. In rejecting an appeal by Queensland Attorney-General Cameron Dick - who was trying to get the sex offender put behind bars - Justice Pat Keane said relatives of child abuse victims had to be deterred from taking the law into their own hands.

Or, alternatively, in equating the beating with a custodial sentence, the ruling tells those same relatives of child abuse victims they have a choice: the lengthy and painful process of a criminal trial, or semi-crippling the offender on the spot and taking their chances at their own trial a few months down the line.

This is a remarkably poor judgment that isn't going to achieve what the court claims its meant to.

Monkey pushes woman who wouldn't share off cliff | The Australian:

A monkey has pushed a woman off a cliff.

The woman, 60-year-old Zhou Juchang, made the claim after winding up at the bottom of a seven-metre rockface, fracturing her hip and breaking three ribs.

Now she’s suing her travel agent, who organised her trip into China’s Chengdu Wildlife Park.

The monkey allegedly flew into a rage when the woman refused to hand over the bag of monkey food which her tour guide recommended she buy.

A spokesman for the park said the woman’s mistake was showing fear.

“If you show fear a monkey will bully you,” he told London’s Metro.

One of the unforeseen effects of China's internet censorship. Without an open internet, how will people know to beware of the monkeys?

(You paying attention at the back there, Conroy?)

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